A CHILDREN"S FUN TURTLE STORY

There were 3 turtles, Mama turtle, Papa turtle and  Baby turtle.  Every 100 years they go on a picnic to a special picnic ground that takes many years to get there. So they pack   the picnic basket with all the good stuff that  turtles eat.  Some M&Ms,Kit Kats, atomic fireballs, and gum,  some cans of soup, some cans of fruit, jello, spaghetti , some cans of tomato sauce, some hot dogs,bananas, some Skittles, cans of beer and cans of soda, some cans of  tuna, and cans of sardines, some potato chips, pork rinds and cans of beans.  Wow, they could  hardly wait to start their journey.  It was a long and dangerous journey. They started out swimming across the ocean and along the way a scary shark came  right in front of them,  he opened his mouth wide and  showed his  giant sharp teeth.  Papa turtle  thought  fast and  threw some atomic fireballs in the shark's mouth while mama turtle and baby turtle swam so so so fast, and  papa turtle swam faster than any of them and they got away safe.  Finally they crossed the  ocean  and  got to the jungle.  When in the  jungle they had to walk  quietly  so the  vicious animals didn't eat them.  Several years went by, you know  turtles walk so slowly, it takes a long time to get anywhere.  They walk passed a Mr. and Mrs. Monkey,  and the monkeys smiled at them, and they  smiled back.  Then they saw Mr. snail, and Mr. snail asked for  a  ride on Papa turtle's back.  The  snail  climbed up,  now you know snails are even slower than  turtles, maybe slower than anything,  so  the snail is on the turtle's back and  he  yells out in  joy ,"weeeeeeeee", he never been on such a  fast ride.  They dropped off Mr. Snail and  continued through the jungle.  All of a sudden a giant  Gorilla is in front of them. Mr. Gorilla  is pounding his chest and  making scary noise.  He wants to step on them and Papa turtle throws a banana to him and they run  deep in the jungle.  They hear  loud foot steps and  a roar of  a lion.  Behind them they see a big Lion coming at them.  Mama turtle thinks fast and  puts some banana peels on the  ground as they run.  The lion slips on the banana peels and  bumps into  a  big fat elephant and says  OUCH!  Finally a few years later they make it out of the jungle.  They swim across a river, chased by alligators, they make it to the other side safely. They walk for  many months until they reach the  desert.  So hot , they are very  thirsty,  but  they   made a rule to only eat and drink a little until they got to the picnic grounds.  It was so hot, they had to open a can of soda, and they all shared it.  Then they heard a snake rattling and  about to  attack, Baby turtle thought fast and  hit the  snake with the  soda can and  they  ran away, and left the snake  behind with a bump on his head.  They walked and walked, and crossed 7 mountains,  they had to hide from a pack a wolves they saw.  Years went by and they could finally see the   Picnic Grounds on the other  side of the Chocolate Mountains. There was a  rainbow around the  picnic grounds,  and  butterflies and   pretty birds and  colorful flowers.  They couldn't wait to get there , so they could start eating the great food they brought. Especially the  M&Ms,  Baby turtle loved the green ones.  So they walked over the  Chocolate Hills and  they entered the land of the  dragons. It was so scary, you could  hear the dragons  making their scary dragon  sound  AHHWHRRRAHHRRRR!  The  Turtle family was   shaking in fear.  they snuck by the turtles slowly and  emptied a pack of Skittles  as they walked.   The dragons were hungry that  day, and they began chasing the  turtles.  They saw the different color Skittles and stopped to look at the nice colors and  then the dragons began to eat the Skittles.  Papa Turtle had read in the   book of  Turtle Survival, that  the only way to kill a dragon was to  get him to eat Skittles.  Well , thank goodness he read that  , the dragons started to fall to the ground  and the Turtle family was  on their way,  almost to the picnic grounds.  Finally, yes  Finally they could smell the flowers,   they could  almost touch the  rainbow.  The butterflies  were  around them,  Finally they were there.  They made it after  soooo many   years.  They put their blanket down,  put the picnic basket  down.  They made the 100 year journey safe. They were so hungry.  They started to take out all the food the  turtles  love so much.  The Kit Kats,  the  spaghetti, the cans of tomato sauce, the cans of  tuna,  the Reese's Pieces of course, and some  cans of vegetables and  fruit.  But they realized, they forgot something. What could they have forgotten?  They had the food, the drinks, the blanket,   forks , spoons, chopsticks. What did they forget?   They couldn't open the cans.  They forgot the can opener.  They all looked at each other .  They needed that  can opener. They were hungry, and they had travelled so far.  Papa Turtle said, " I'm too old to go back for it",  Mama Turtle said"  I'm too weak to go back for it", the only one who could go back was  Baby Turtle.  Baby Turtle was a smart one, and  he could run and swim faster than most turtles can. So , Baby Turtle said,  "OK  I'll go back for the can opener,BUT you have to promise me something."  Mama and Papa Turtle both said " OK, what do we have to promise?"  Baby Turtle said ,  " you both have to promise that you wont eat any of the  food until  I get back with the can opener."  They agreed not to eat, even though they were  hungry. They knew it would take a while for Baby Turtle to get back, but they agreed not to eat.  They gave Baby Turtle a map and showed him a  short cut. Baby Turtle left, and  said  "remember , you cant eat or drink anything until i get back."  Five years went by and Mama and Papa Turtle were so hungry, but they had to keep their promise.   Ten years went by and they started to worry and hoped Baby Turtle was OK.  They were so hungry  but  kept their promise.  Now it's  20 years, and  they are starving and thirsty.  Now  50 years go by, Papa Turtle turns to Mama Turtle and says, "  I think maybe the sharks  ate Baby Turtle"  Mama Turtle says,  " maybe the  poisonous snakes or the gorillas got him". They both figured  he took the  short-cut and it's  been  50 years. They were so hungry.  They were sure Baby Turtle would never  make it back. After all it was so dangerous a trip, and i has been   over  50 years now.  So Papa Turtle said to Mama Turtle,  Ok  lets just  eat  a little bit  while we wait for Baby Turtle to get  back... They agree that they have to, and that maybe their baby will never come back. So they open the picnic basket to get out some M&Ms.  They were breaking their promise to Baby Turtle but they thought they had to.  Just as Papa Turtle  opens the picnic basket to get the M&Ms ,,,,  Out of the basket pops Baby Turtle and screams out " Just For That I'm Not Going!!!!!!!"

Hi everyone

This blog site is cool in that it gives you stats of  how many people looked at the blog , and what country they were from .  Last month alot of people from  Canada, Australia, France, and Czech Republic, Russia, Denmark, Phillipines and of course US.  I used to get people in Mexico,  noone from South America and Great Britain   was a big group of  blog readers.
Lately these past few weeks it has been a couple from Russia ( home of my grandparents) but I don't punamaya ruski,    I 'd like to shout out to  my  Filipino friends  Kumustaka?  Mabuhay!!!!
 and  of course  Greetings  to my fellow Americans.
   Keep reading,  maybe i'll get some funny ideas.  Like tonite I was watching the  news on TV, and  the Mayor put  bicycle racks  in Staten Island for  $60,000, along  a  big street.  Not one bike has used it, not one bike was even seen in the area.  In Manhattan, Brookiyn and Queens they put  bicycle lanes, the most dangerous thing  yet, You get out of your car and  good chance of getting hit by a bike, especially in Manhattan.  In Queens   bikes are rare , and not too many do I see in Brooklyn, It causes alot of traffic, and probably alot of accidents,, At night you cant see the bikes or hear them, they need to get  lights and horns, and they also need to wear helmets,  Some of these bike riders are good actors and quite skilled. They see a taxi or car door open and they crash into it intentionally and fall down.  they are  really good at that.  I saw one take a picture  with his cell phone   right after he fell, apparently to  make a lawsuit out of it.  Crazy stuff.  Tonite  the  Chinese delivery guy almost  ran me over  , riding his bike on the sidewalk.. Hey that's illegal.     See you all later ,,bye for now

inventions

My daughter had this great idea for an invention. It was  a  "locator".  You just  stick on a  little chip and the  home station can locate that device. Much like the  cell phone handset locator but taken much further.
She never did get the patent for the invention but it was a great invention, much better than my dandruff repellent spray that you spray on a collar and if dandruff comes near it,, it gets repelled, never a worry about dandruff.  Another invention that  was rejected by my marketing committee was ear purses.  Little pouches you wear as earrings, they can even be  gold, if you like. They open and  you can put little things in them, like contact lenses, Maybe even an Indian Bindi.  Anyway, my son saw a rendition of the locator, and he bought it for me for my birthday. It was just what I needed , since I always lose my keys, my wallet, and more.  So I get my things all set up so that they can be located.  Today I lost my keys, so confidently I  go to the locator to locate the missing keys. I can't find the locator.  Dayummmmm, wouldnt ya know it. Now I need to buy another locator to locate the locator.   Life is hard.

The Easter Bunny

Happy Easter to All.
Now what about the Easter Bunny. Does the Easter Bunny only work on Easter?
What does he do the rest of the time?
I know  he hippity hoppity hops down the  Bunny Trail, where ever that  might lead to.but
Do I have this right? The Easter Bunny  lays Easter  Eggs?  What in the world,  how does that happen?
Is there a chicken involved here?  Somethin' strange is  going on  here.
There's an Easter Bunny layin '  Easter eggs and  no  Easter Rooster.  Or is the Easter Bunny a  guy and is layin' eggs?  Now I'm really confused. Not to mention, when will he or she become an Easter Rabbit?
It has been a long time being a Bunny.
   Maybe it is better not to ask these questions and just eat my chocolate Easter egg and go hunt for the colored real Easter eggs.

funeral flowers and rocks 1 and 2

1) I went to a friend's father's funeral, at a church in Staten Island. I got there a little late, which is not unusual for me.  I stopped to  buy some flowers on the way. The  mass already started. There was a big  picture of my friend's father  facing the people attending the service, a 2 flower arrangements. I guess all the flowers people send, were in the limos that will go to the cemetery  following the service.  So, what to do?  I'm late, I have flowers, it would be improper to bring the  flowers in. After all, no one  brought flowers, and they were in the middle of the service, so I left a pot of flowers in the lobby. After the service as everyone is leaving, I picked up the flowers I brought and  began walking out.  I spoke to a few people, while holding my flowers.  I could notice people looking at me, like  "hey, he's stealing the flowers".  This happened to  have followed  a similar "curb your enthusiasm" show where Larry actually stole flowers from a  memorial area.  So to  try to clear up the situation, I told my friend's wife, what happened and gave her the flowers, so t hey wouldn't go to waste.  She appreciated the thought. All in all, it was  an embarrassing but funny situation.

2) I go to a Jewish cemetery to pay my respects.  Jewish people  make their visit known by leaving a rock on top of the grave.  Rumor has it, that if flowers are left, they are stolen, so , rocks are left instead. The big problem is there aren't any decent size rocks available.  No one has  thought of the idea of selling rocks at  Jewish cemeteries.  Ahhh, my  next brilliant idea for a business !  Designer Rocks for graves. Anyway,  I had of relatives in this cemetery, even my great grandmother. I had no rocks.  So , I did what any rockless grave visitor would do, I stole them off the adjacent graves.  The  first visit went well, I put a  nice rock on my uncle's grave.  However, the third grave rock placement, I was  spotted by  some people as  I  lifted the rock, off the top of the  tombstone.  So I casually dusted it off and put it back. Then they stopped looking at me and  I walked off fast grabbing a  nice rock and  got the job done. It's so crazy having to steal rocks at the cemetery. It's crazier that people  give you dirty looks  for  robbing rocks.  Next time I'll bring rocks with me.

poop

what about  poop?
well, for one thing it stinks. At least it stinks to me. Sometimes our own poop doesn't smell so bad to ourselves but it could kill someone else. Dogs on the other hand love the smell of poop. If dogs had cologne their best seller  would be  L'Eau De Poop. Horses don't have any opinion, and to step in their poop is good luck. But it has to be dry poop if you step in it, otherwise I think it's pretty bad luck. Especially if you are wearing ripple soul shoes.  Q-tips are a great utility tool for cleaning stepped-in poop out of the grooves in the souls of your shoes and sneakers.  In any case, all of our poops vary. They vary from day to day, from person to person. In  Native Americans and Chinese Medicine the smell and color of one's urine is used to diagnose illness.  I'm not sure if the smell of poop can be used to diagnose illness, but based on the smell of today's poop, i'm a very very  sick person.  Moving right along here, Some of us poop twice a day, some once a day, some once every few days. The once every few day people  seem to fart alot. once or twice a day i think is a good thing. Get that stuff out of the system.  Sushi poop, especially when you eat alot of fatty fish , like tuna belly, or yellow tail belly, or salmon, that really stinks. Some say  if your  poop floats, it means your eating healthy. I think I eat a balanced diet, I have some sinkers and some floaters.  How about you? are you eating right?   Sometimes I eat corn just to see the  yellowy decorated poop.  Yes poop is like art.  It has it's own unique look and  smell.  No ,  I don't know about feel , except for  dog poop.  Dog poop is warm. I've picked up alot of that over the years.  So, whenever you eat , you might want to think about  how it will come out in the end. It's a fun thing to do.  Poop games.
    So, what about wiping?  I assume everyone wipes.  At times we may have to use big maple leaves or newspaper, or a T- shirt. Ordinarily we use TP  aka toilet paper. I grew up using Scott. The  cheapest stuff. I was a loyal Scott user. I hated the  knew  Charmin soft stuff.  It would shred and  you would lose some, with a good wipe. The aloe treated kind, will really mess up your  glasses lenses or sunglasses.  I discovered the  new  super strong Charmin and I like it.  It doesnt rip easily,  no shredding. You dont get much on a roll, but  I like it.  Some of us, use 2 sheets folded neatly. Others  8 sheets. I know a guy who uses one sheet, and says he gets the job done. Amazing.  I think he has a good diet. Supposedly, if you eat correctly, you  don't need too many sheets.  I switched from the semi neat fold to the crunched up method, better wiping power.    Do you look at the sheet after you  do a wipe?  Why?  do you think you missed?  or do you just check to see that your done wiping?  What about  colored toilet paper.  I like white. But  I've bought blue, pink and green.  It's bizarre that they  have colors.
     So, that's it for today, Happy Pooping!
    

Cowboys and our toy guns

In the 1950's and early 60's, Westerns were popular on TV. Actually they were my favorite shows. There was Wild Bill Hickock with his sidekick Jingles, there was Wyatt Earp and everyone knew the theme songs for each of these shows.  "wyatt earp , wyatt earp , brave courageous and bold...", There was Yancy Derringer, where my favorite character was a pick pocket named Jodie and an "indian" aka native american name Pahoo Katiwa (wolf who stands in water).  Have Gun Will Travel was  a pretty cool show and had some very interesting Zen stuff going on , which I noticed years later.  Maverick  was  a fun show where the main characters were always playing poker.  The Lone Ranger and his sidekick Tonto was popular , the theme was the famous trumpet  charge  from  William Tell overture. He used silver  bullets.  The Lone Ranger , Tonto referred to as  Qui no sabe  ( in spanish it means he who knows nothing), and Tonto , in spanish means  stupid,, Go figure!     Also , there was  Lawman, Hotel de Paris, Hopalong Cassidy, the Cisco Kid. Of course Roy Rogers and  Gene Autry, and Gabby Hayes. Alot of shootin' up and  killing. The bad guys usually wore black and the good guys always wore black. The crazy thing is all the kids watched all this killing.  That was OK with everyone.  But the  TV Gunsmoke,  was referred to as an "Adult Western", because there was never any killing or shooting in that show. James Arness was the  sheriff, Miss Kitty was the  bar hooker or something like that , but never any killing. That should have been the   Children's western not the Adult western. Crazy world we live in.
       As kids we had alot of  toy guns.  Kid guns in those days  actually shot   things. Today they just make sounds.  Except for  Paintball of course.  The   Mattel, Greenie Stickem cap guns were cool.  Caps are a paper thing that has gun powder and when you hit it with a rock or hammer or something they explode with a loud sound.  We used to buy rolls of caps and bang them with rocks. They had little  dots of gun powder  on this red paper. We also put them in "cherry bombs:, which were a rocket like plastic thing we threw up high and when they landed on the metal tip , it would explode a cap.  Well, Greenie stickem caps went on the back of a bullet, so that when you pulled the trigger the cap would explode, sounding like a gun shot, and  the  plastic bullet head with  fly out like a real bullet.  We'd be shootin' each other   all day long.  Seeing who was the quickest draw.  They had a cool  little deringer that was built into a belt buckle.  You breathe out hard and the  gun would  pop out and fire a bullet.  We had rifles that fired corks,  I had a machine gun that shot out wooden pellets.  The Rifleman gun, was a  rifle with a handle that you could  load and  shoot with one hand like a pistol.  Was very cool and a  cool TV show with Chuck Connors.  Some of us had BB guns which shot BB's , or little metal balls.  OUCH. Yeah later on , in junior high school , I mentioned in another post, we used to  play in this guy's basement on Newport St,  one of us had the BB gun the other two or 3 of us had ping pong rackets.  Imagine trying to block a tiny metal ball coming at you at  60 miles an hour.  The player who had the  BB gun was  definitely the winner. We would come home all dotted up with BB wounds.
 Yep , no wonder we grew up so  nuts.