Christmas Tipping

I like a Merry Christmas, but certain things just are beyond my understanding. We have to tip the garage guys and there's  alot of them. Hmmm 20,50,100,200? They do get my car for me. That's why they are called garage guys.  Tip the doormen of course or they'll lock you out.  Tip the Super and maintenance or they wont fix anything. Oh it gets better, The Mailman,, tip the mailman, or he wont deliver your mail. Or screw it up alot. Wait a minute,, isn't that his  job?  If I give the mailman $20, that's for mail, imagine  if  I have a fire,,i better  tip the firemen $40 each,,and what if I get robbed, the police should get  $50.  Hmmm now i'm getting sick,,  What if i go to the doctor,,if i dont tip him he may intentionally prescribe wrong medicine  or diagnose me with a rare disease,,, $500 for the doctor ,,, oh now the pharmacist, we want  good drugs,,, $100 for  him.  Dayummmm I dont want them to put tolls on the bridges, I guess i have to give the  mayor a  gift too ,maybe  $100.  I think I should give my neighbor  a few bucks,,or he might make noise all night.  Where does it end, the supermarket, the cleaners, the accountant, the President?
Merry Christmas ,,you all,,  i guess I have to send  everyone who reads this something,,thanks for reading.  Happy New Year

ATTACK

If you saw me now, you would think I got mugged or  was in a fight. What actually happened was I went to the dermatologist. Dr. Robert 'shakey" Schwartz. The man has hands like Katheryn Hepburn's head. You would think he is keeping time to some latin music.  I know he can't help it and I know I shouldn't be joking about it, but the man was  first waving this needle like a orchestra conductor and started sticking an area that had some excema. Blood pouring out, and he is still sticking away. Then if that wasn't enough, He grabs a more serious weapon, a scalpel. I think it was a switchblade scalpel,,, and he goes in for the kill like Toshiro Mifune in Kurosawa's film Seven Samurai. Or maybe like  Zorro. He went for the  forehead first, then slashed at my head. Waving the sword , I mean scalpel, my instinct was to  duck or kick him in the nuts, but remembering  he is my doctor and  I'm actually paying for this abuse, I braved it. Blood all over, he had the medical assistant take a picture of it, I cant believe he is leaving evidence of this crime. A small band aid is put on my forehead, blood leaking thru it, and my head a bigger bandaid.  The leg, forget about that , no bandage, the gauze was  soaked with blood. I went to eat after and  the waitress was staring at my wounds . When I got home to take a closer look, It was scary , it really looked like I was attacked.
I go back for  more in 4 weeks. I think I'm going to wear my hockey gear.

Science 2

I took my destructive unappreciated science experiments and moved on to helping society. Me and Barry
created what was a Polio vaccine .  I have no idea what was in it, but move over  Jonas Salk. So all the kids in the building lined up on the 5th floor stair case for their  shots.  Barry's father was diabetic, as we saw it, we were lucky that he was. It gave us the opportunity to borrow his hypodermic needle. Now we had the apparatus to vaccinate everyone.  I went first to show it was safe. I didnt die. So then everyone was fighting to go next. Polio was a scary disease at the time. We had a friend who actually got polio and became paralyzed. It didnt stop him from doing things. Well a telephone pole stopped him one day when he stole his father's car and  couldnt move his foot to the brake. Boy, was his dad mad.
   Anyway, back to  needles .  After we did our vaccinations, it was time to create the next great thing. We made a special mixture.  We weren't sure what it would do, but we knew it was powerful.  It was our belief that it would cause tumors. But we needed a guinea pig. We couldnt find any guinea pigs but we had a brilliant idea. My father  was a guppy breeder. Beautiful long-tail guppies. He had hundreds of them swimming around in the tank and they constantly gave birth to more.  So there were our guinea pigs. GUPPIES. We took a few males and a few females. We injected our secret formula into them Some were injected in the back, some by the tail . They gave birth to many, and those gave birth, It was the coolest thing ever. Lots and lots of guppies who swam standing erect. Yes they were vertical and were swimming and looking much cooler than the  horizontal swimming fish. I had the coolest fish in town.  My father looked kind of bewildered when he noticed his prized fish swimming unlike all other  fish. I was  proud of the success of the experiment. My father  interrogated me, to find out if I had  messed with his fish.  Why, did he pick me to interrogate and not my brother or sisters.  So i admitted to him that I was creating a better breed of guppy. I was helping him to have the best fish in town.  I told him of the secret formula that  we injected into them. He turned red,  He yelled at me to leave his fish, his fish food and  warned me not to go near Chipper the parakeet.  He left the room.  I was still proud.

Science

Chemistry sets and microscopes were popular back in the 50s and early 60's. The microscopes came with prepared slides of fly wings, fish scales, and other things with nice patterns. Water was a good one because there were "germs" running around on the slide. Of course spit and phlegm were always fun to look at. Hey Van Leeuwenhoek got famous for his hand made microscopes and looking at microorganisms. After a while the microscope was put aside in favor of the chemicals. Chemistry sets had lots of minerals and salts and good stuff. We liked sulphur because it smelled like rotten eggs. An important creation with the chemistry set would be gun powder. So most kids, or at least the kids I knew needed to know how to make this stuff. Well it was easy, only 3 ingredients, Potassium Nitrate , a prized chemical to me and my friends, Charcoal, and Sulphur. I got a hold of some potassium nitrate solution. So I boiled the liquid out of it and got some nice crystals of KNO3 . Potassium Nitrate, I learned later was put in food in certain institutions, to lower peoples sex drives. It is also knows as salt peter. Anyway,  I made the mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur , put it on my mother's nice kitchen counter and ignited it. WOW, it sparked and fizzed and flamed and ummmmmm, burnt the cutest hole in the counter. My mother freaked out, she didnt see the beauty at all.  I tried to explain it was in the name of science, that this was done.  My experiments continued when I got some Magnesium ribbon, and put it in vinegar. You get some hydrogen release.  But if you really want some cool action, you get some  hydrochloric acid or sulphuric acid and put the magnesium in there.  Great hydrogen release. So me and my friend Barry, tried to figure out how to compress this release, we couldnt really figure it out but we would dissolve it and then ignite it and  you woud get a nice little  "pop" or  explosion. Yes, we were making  mini-hydrogen bombs , and noone was proud of us.
      

cheap pots

Got myself  a bad cold. I hate that. So, what can I do to make it better.
Chicken Soup  of course. A short time ago, I decided to buy a cheap pot to cook with . So I got one in the Supermarket. What a deal!   So tonite was the first time using it, I peeled the label off and gave it a qiuick wash. Then I put the pot on the stove and it fell over.  I check the burner , maybe it was  not on right but it was on right. So i adjust the pot and it looks good and then tips over again. I say "hey pot , cut that out!" Sheesh. What a dumbly designed pot. Now we have a challenge  so i fill the pot with soup. I usually make homemade soup but not today, today it was progresso chicken  rotini soup. So I adjust the  noodles and  chicken and  move the carrots over . I'm thinking I'll outsmart this stupid wiseass pot. so I load up the right side , and i'm lookin good here.  turn the flame on  ,, all is well ,,, and  FLOP,,it goes over ,, i catch it ,,burn my hand  a little ,, and try readjusting,,but its not working ,,, so i hold the handle  for a few minutes until it boils and   pour it out and eat it.  The pot won, I cant believe a stupid cheap pot outsmarted me. I still cant believe i bought this ridiculous pot. Anyway, dont buy cheap pots ,,, you get what you pay for.
      OH,, and this  "trick pot" is a great gift item for people you hate

Zorro Gang

There were lots of gangs in East New York and Brownsville and all over Brooklyn. There was New Lots Boys (some of whom were portrayed in Goodfellas),  El-Tones, Roman Lords, Chaplins, Rockaway and Fulton, S&V, ClevelandStreetBoys, BarbeyStreetBoys, Ave. L Boys, the Baldies, El Quintos, Ellery St. Bops, Pigtown Boys, Years earlier there was the Amboy Dukes from Brownsville (they made a movie about them called City across the River with Tony Curtiss), Anyway, I'm going to talk about a  gang that was only around on Halloween. They only roamed the area around the projects and it was in 1959-61. They were called the Zorros.  The members were young, about 11-14 years old.  Some were tough, some werent, but we had weapons, Simple Halloween weapons. In East New York on Halloween the candy store sold pastel chalk. This Chalk was about an inch in diameter about  5 inches long came in about  8 colors, and cost a nickel. We  would  get long socks and put some chalk in it , tie the end in a knot, and stomp on it to crush the chalk. We would then  hit people with it, leaving marks on there clothes and it would sting. If you didnt crush it well, there would be chunks, if you hit someone on the head , OUCH that would hurt.  Did I mention, I was a member of the Zorros.  So Halloween 1959, we all met, every member had his sock full, and a spare.  The leaders Freddie and Tommy put Z's with the chalk on every members back. There was a scare in the neighborhood at that time that the Baldies were coming. The Baldies would run around with  scissors and cut peoples hair off.  I never really knew if that was for real or just a scarey rumor, like the bogeyman or somehting  because I never saw a Baldie. Anyway we ignored the scare, and set out to "bop" some  people with our socks.  There were about 30 of us in the Zorros.  We needed to find a place with alot of people so we'd have alot of action. So , what better place than the  Hebrew school at the Bnai Israel synagogue on Hendrix St.  It wasn't an anti-semetic attack it was just  the perfect place to attack.  So we set off on our raid.  The early class let out, we surrounded them , kinda like how the Apaches did it in the cowboy movies, we were boppin away, then we let up about  15 minutes later. and ran away, because the teachers were coming outside and yelling at us and threatening to call the cops.  So  an hour goes by and its around 5PM.  Well wouldnt ya know it, I had Hebrew class at 5PM, right at the scene of the crime. So i go to class, and  I walk in and go to my seat. Well the big Z on my back  stood out like a neon sign. The rabbi came over and grabbed me by the ear, threw me against the wall and was scolding me like crazy. I said , i dont know what he was talking about. He pointed to my Z, i said  " oh that". some kids did that to me. Well he was not stupid, and suspended me from Hebrew School until my parents came in to see him. My parents weren't thrilled with my extracurricular activities. Needless to say, it was a memorable Halloween

NYC SUBWAY

I decided not to drive to the motor vehicle bureau and take a subway. I normally drive everywhere. I even drive to the dry cleaners across the street. Oh , the dry cleaners, that'a a whole 'nuther story. Those people are always losing my clothes. One day I know I'll see a Korean guy wearing my pants, shirt, and  coat, I just know it.  Anyway, back to the subway. So, I decide to take the subway downtown, its only a few stops. I hadn't been on a subway in years.  Not to digress, but I used to take the New Lots train as a kid. New Lots Ave was the last stop, i had a choice of the stop before that , which was Van Siclen Ave, but so often I fell asleep and had to get off at New Lots Ave. The conductor would make an announcement, last stop New Lots Avenue,but I was a sound sleeper , and woke up in the yard. Scarey, Yes. But the good news was after a while the train would  turn around and make its first stop , again, at New Lots Ave. I do miss that sound of the train, screeching around  the turn at Saratoga Ave right before it approaced the tunnel, where Utica Ave was the first underground stop. I missed ducking down at Rockaway Ave because kids would throw rocks at the train windows between Rockaway and Junius St.  If we were going to Yankee Stadium we would change for the  express train at Utica or Nevins St. Anyway, I am a long time subway patron, but for some reason, I just stopped taking the subway back in the 80s. Anyway, where was i?   Oh yeah , one day not so long ago, I decided to once again venture onto the subway and go to the DMV to fight a traffic ticket.  So I go down the steps to the subway at Franklin St., I  go the clerk's booth and ask for  two tokens,very confidently, mind you, to show i was a "regular".  Well, the "token clerk" said  , umm Sir, we don't have tokens.  I said, umm Sir, then what do you do all day.  He said we have Metro Cards, and pointed to some machine. Needless to say I was at a loss for words and confused as to how to work this Metro Card Machine. So, of course I had to go back to the guy, who hates me now, and ask for help with the Metro Card machine.  OK, now I have a Metro Card,  unbelievable, fares used to be 15cents, oh well.   He explains to swipe it and  push the rotating gate. I slide it and push.  It doesn't move. I slide it and push , it doesnt move , I slide it and push , again it doesnt move and a fellow subway traveler says to me, "it looks like you used up your card" ,,, Oh great! now i have to go back to the "token clerk",  I go back , head down, and humbly say, "something went worng and the card doesnt work, I may have used it up trying". He shakes his head and gives me a pass for my return trip and instructs me to push the door when he buzzes, then go to the other side and take the train a few stops to Rector St. or something like that.  I followed the instructions very  well, like someone with a Master's Degree should be able to. A few hours later after a frustrating time at the Motor Vehicle Bureau, I decide I dont want to hassle using the free pass to the train , and  i'll  enjoy a leisurely walk home.  I get home and put my Subway Pass  on the table and go out for dinner. When I return, my daughter says " Dad, where in the world did you get a "Retarded Kid Pass" for the Subway".  Oh boy, now I have to go through this whole embarrassing story.  So I said a retarded kid gave it to me.

the card game

Names will be changed to protect the identities of the characters in the blog.
Duplication or recreation of any of the blogs is punishable by very mean thoughts from me.


It's Friday night 1955, it's mom's mah jong nite at Frose's house and my father's card game at our house.
It's late already and I'm in bed.  You can smell the cigarette smoke, the change clinking, the coughing, the cursing, and hear the cards shuffling.  My sister wakes up and with eyes half open strolls into the living room card game. She's pouting and bothering my father, so he tells her to go get him a glass of water, and the game continues. She comes back with the water, and starts asking my father who is trying to bluff his way through this hand to pick her up so she can help him play. He ignores her and she goes over to Flouie and  starts bothering him, Flouie says to her Ffranny go get me a glass of water please. She goes happily off to get the water, and my dad proceeds to win the hand.  Next hand is being played and my sister is more awake and is annoying the players (even though she is cute) these guys want to focus on their poker, and my father sends her off to get Fmorris a glass of water, she is so happy and feels so important as the "water girl" and  in a while comes back. The game continues and once again  Ffranny gets restless and Flenny sends her on a mission, that she seems to have down pat now, to get him a glass of water and all is well,  a few hands go by, the game is real serious.  Now my sister starts getting restless, and is tired and starts bothering my father  in one of the biggest hands.  Dad says " Ffranny go get Firving a glass of water".  She goes off, she is probably gone for  10 minutes and comes back in crying with an empty cup in her hand. My father says  "Ffranny what's wrong", all the men are concerned.  Ffranny in tears, blurts out," There's no more water left in the toilet bowl!".  You can hear the    spitting out of water by the men, the  ewws.  That was teh end of the card game that night.

Youthful Memory/frozen soda

When we were kids my siblings and I would take soda (usually Cola or RootBeer) and freeze it. Then we would have little cups of cola or rootbeer ices.  Sometimes we'd fill ice cube trays, some times little paper cups, or other small cups.  One day me and my sister wake up early and  look in the freezer. WOW, there was ices in a little cup, but neither of us remembered what flavor or who made it. So i take a like and then a bite. Bites get you more flavor and let it melt in your mouth. "hmmm , I said , I think it's Root Beer"... my sister grabs it and tastes and says " Nope it's Coke". This goes back and forth until it's all gone. We still couldnt decide.  A while later  my father  gets up and enters the kitchen.  He goes straight to the freezer.
He is searching, and then says what happened to  the frozen worms ( Daphnae or tubeflex) for the tropical fish, I'm sure  I had some in here".. OMG   we were gagging, those tiny, little disgusting worms.  We ate 100's of them . I'm getting sick to my stomach now , so many years later.

here's a link to picture of these  tubeflex worms:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://fins.actwin.com/fish/killietalk/month.200411/jpg00000.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.arofanatics.com/forums/showthread.php%3Ft%3D283348&h=480&w=720&sz=72&tbnid=NbIwU0Jn4pKkFM:&tbnh=93&tbnw=140&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtubiflex&zoom=1&q=tubiflex&hl=en&usg=__oGCYtdSq60NE2I2p_W8ouqZHEFw=&sa=X&ei=KzP4TI_WCoS8lQfDg_yKAg&ved=0CCcQ9QEwAQ